Sunday, September 9, 2012
100% lyrics of my heart
When I close my eyes I think of you
And the times we’ve had been through
Even though we’re far apart right now
I remember back when you were here with me
How you’ve made my world complete
But now I’m left alone
We talked about love and hope
Wishing we could start a life our own
I wish that I could live without you
Why did you tear my heart apart
You said you’d love me from the start
All those painful things you’ve put me through
But I’m still loving you
I’ve tried to give my best to you
I don’t deserve the things you do
Everything has gone to memories
I just wish I knew the truth behind the lies.
It's totally the words in my heart
The unspeakable words that I want to voice out.
- Signing Off-
In my own world,
Thursday, July 19, 2012
It's another Thursday today.
Supposed to be a very busy day for me which I'll not be able to sit here blogging.
However, due to sleeping late last night, I was really exhausted.
I have no mood for any classes and is unable to focus too.
So I've chosen to skip the French class.
Its been few days since my last post.
Here I am again.
I've tried very very hard, being normal, acting normal especially in front of you.
In times, I still wish for your care, love, pamper and etc.
I wish so much to tell you that 'I am jealous'. 'kong long, wo xiang nian ni'...
I wish to ask you what am I to you now?
or At least what is my status now?
But I told myself, NO.
I shouldn't say that out because I may ruin our few days conversation.
Because being emo will ruin our few days normal conversation.
But sometimes I think, what if I've said?
What will I get from you?
Telling me you love me?
Telling me you miss me?
or telling me you're coming back to me?
When I ask myself, wondering how are you doing with your gf?
Nowadays seems like you talk to me texting me, but what about her?
Are you treating her better than treating me or other way round?
Is she more important to you or I am more important?
But even if I've asked, what answers will I get?
If you tell me positive answers, but we cant do anything too.
or Should I say leave her, come back to me.
or I am also afraid what if the answers are not what I wanna listen?
What should I do and think?
Actually i know what I have now is what I deserve.
You said you are a jerk, but I shall say I am a bitch.
Disturbing and causing the blocks in between people's relationship.
Do you think I really feel that good being in this character?
When I dont even know what you think about me.
I often ask myself many questions, but I just couldn't give myself an answer.
Or should I say I dont dare to give.
Being normal aint easy, especially when I am being normal when it's abnormal in me.
It's even harder.
But have you thought of me for even 1 min?
Wishing to tell me that you still love even 1 min?
I just dont know how long do I need to wait.
Or should I take it as I give up and get another person just to heal my wound?
But I dont know whether can I do it, because I'm afraid.
I wanted to try but I've failed once and I've hurt that person.
I am also hurting myself in it.
I dont have the bravery to try anymore.
I just dont know how long should I wait & what is the purpose.
I really dont know.
I HATE PEOPLE ASKING ME TO GIVE UP.
So, FUCK OFF if you're going to tell me to give up.
- Signing Off -
In my own world,
Friday, July 13, 2012
After my previous post which is like soooo long ago.
Everything had changed.
The pictures showed were only the past and it's not going to be back anymore.
No matter How long I've begged for, how long I've long for, no matter how deep my feeling is for you, you're not coming back unless miracles or my prayers come true.
I've not blogged since then because I've not need to face the blog and say I want to say because there's a person there always listening to what I want to talk, that's why I dont have to blog about anything.
But I'm back to those days when I have no one to talk to, no one to spit out the truth and real feelings of myself. that's why I am back again.
BLOG OH BLOG, you've been abandoned for so long and now your owner is also being abandoned.
With the feelings in my heart, with the things I see through my naked eyes.
I admit it's really unbearable, that's why I would hurt myself to reduce the pain.
But who will ever understand or feel the pain in me?
Being emo is not my type, but you'd changed me since the day your heart leave bit by bit.
No doubt saying I cant feel you now.
That's why I am feeling alone and insecure.
When days go by, I dont know when will be your last words to me.
I dont know when will be your last bit of love for me.
I have so many things to talk to you, but I know you will not have the heart to listen.
Instead of acting annoying, I would tell myself, I rather keep quiet.
Looking at your name on my phone, and I want to keep myself quiet, it's really a torture.
Do you know?
I feel so pain now forcing myself to act normal in front of you.
I feel so pain, so pain.
To be continued.
Few hours past, it's 3.32pm now.
I realize no one would actually notice me.
Maybe there is still people who notices but they are not the one i want.
How small am I now.
Like a dog?
Like a cat?
Like an ant?
Or even dust?
Which will never be seen.
Time leaving me alone making me have many assumptions.
Are you putting me aside for another person?
If you were the J I loved & knew, you would not be abandoning me for so long.
Not even a word of reply.
Sometimes I ask myself, what am I now.
I wanted to find you, even from Kampar till Ipoh, I would drive.
No matter how tired I am.
Just to wish to see you, but are you also wishing to see me so badly?
No one knows, only you.
But I cant feel it.
How small am I.
No one talk to me, that's why I have to spit it out here.
Sorry bloggy for taking you like a dustbin
Because I feel that what I say is a 'rubbish' to him.
To be continued.
6.48pm... I am still hesitating whether to go.
Sometimes I would think what if I am the actress in movies,
Will I also deserve a happy ending?
I dont know how long can I hang on with such myself.
Because I have no idea when exactly he is returning.
My heart feels like want to see him so eagerly, but so what.
I only feel that my presence is an irritation to him.
I dont know whether how eager he wants to see me, or maybe...
When he sees me, he will be afraid that I will say certain things
But sometimes I just cannot control myself.
He wants freedom, shall I let him go?
Sometimes people say being in a relationship only will slightly being apart with the society
But why when I am single now, I am still avoiding the society.
Only rather stay at home alone see notes and comp.
What life exactly I am having now.
Can anyone teach me what should I do?
- signing off -
In my own world,
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
200+ days after
Geeeeeeeeeeee I'm in Kampar right now
And I'm actually blogging now in my hmm new room haha
Everyone kept asking me how's college how's college
And I dont actually know how to answer it BUT what I can say is that it's
I've been walking a lot these days till my legs pain
I guess I need more shoesssssss hahahahaha
My whole cupboard of shoes are really NOT enough ahhaha
Anyway experiencing new things & totally liking it =]
Things are new,Lecturers are new,Campus-mates are new,Environment is new etc
New stress coming up due to studies & assignments
Not getting use to have a bunch of assignment group friends as IDK them at ALL
But it's a necessary to be with them for this sem =/
However,I'm still enjoying though I feel more exhausted now compared to high school
So I'm having a change of life & lifestyle now
US !!!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee
Happily ever after :)
In my own world,
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
HA HA HA HA
It's 2011 already
It's not 2010 anymore
BYE 2010 , WELCOME 2011
Had my best new year countdown ever =]
There was a time I felt that time passes as slow as snail
But however after that certain period time passes as fast as lightning OMG
How fast long term holiday ended and ppl started going back to school
Students started putting on their uniforms instead of party dresses
But what makes me feel weird is that I DONT HAVE TO PUT ON MY UNIFORM ANYMORE
I dont need to find reasons for skipping school
I can sleep as long as I like without getting scolded for not going to school
I put on my own clothes,own dressing styles EVERY SINGLE DAY
Sounds cool right???? but it's not that cool though
I wanna go to school,I want my new school to reopen ASAP
Because it'll be the life I was craving for since 200days + AGO
HOWWWW long I've been waiting,waiting and waiting
But we successfully waited till today *how patient we are right*
For me,everyday is about going out,keeping fit,sleeping etc etc
I still have many things wishing to do mmmmmmmm
Anyway I had really greats days now,having fun with the benlou haha
Keep it up Keep it up =]]]]]]] wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
LOVE THE WAY YOU ARE.
P/s iwishuaretheretofillupmyeveryday ♥ | 13days
In my own world,
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I'm eating lots of chocolates these days
Will chocolates actually make one happy???
But that's not the reason I eat them because I cant find my happiness through them
I can only find my happiness through him :)
Spm had ended,holiday is what I"m having now
But why am I feeling so boring when it's holiday
No books but only you + entertainments with you
Aint I'm supposed to be super happy that I dont have to see books
I dont have to wake up during the midnight to study
But I realise when there's no studying,and no you,I'm really miserable =[
I've been non stop worrying this worying that,why am I acting like an old lady ==
When I'm worry,I cannot judge and I cannot make decisions
This leads me to become direction-less
That's why I am here sitting alone,bullshyting,thinking what the heck I'm doing
I dont know what should I do
I have not idea what can I do
I cannot afford to be alone anymore *ghosh*
This is not a good thing I bet but it's also a sweet thing to say
I dont want to exist as ONE
Well,whatever....I'm eating chocolates non stop
Gaining weight....increasing number of pimples....OMGGGG
I have to tell myself stop eating,stop eating and stop eating ahha
Hope that days will become better and better
I'll pray hard ;)
Christmas is coming and I need a good Christmas this year
Picha during the Christmas party on 17th of Dec
Although this is the only picture taken
Although it's not that perfect in the sense of angle
But I still like it for some reasons
A wonderful night I've had :)
P.s 26 days...from 200+ days till now 20+ days COOL
In my own world,
Thursday, December 9, 2010
It's not really holiday yet because I still have my last subject - EST
But I dont know what to study for what and I'm just like having my holiday now
So finally HAPPY HOLIDAY TO MYSELF =]
Woke up kinda late today,hmm at least later than before
Then nothing much,went ISC
Enjoyed the whole day there with my beloved =)
Laugh laugh laugh,smile smile smile,sot sot sot,eat eat eat hahahaha
I like the way it is =)
Today IS a good day yayyyyyyyyy
After ISC went to a boutique near my house to peep through haha
Because that place was kinda hard to park AND I seldom get to see it opens LOL
That's why I went there and I bought few items
I am really a very choosy person but I take it as a good point of mine XD
Because if I'm not choosy,I'll not be able to choose the best...'u' hees
I am wondering how I'll look like soon
HOPEFULLY it turns better but not worst haha
So I'm enjoying looking at my magazines and waiting =)
I seriously need to stop eating for some time
I NEED to STOP ! grrrrr
I think I need to learn how to put make ups for myself
I know I wont do that often BUT I think I should know at least
P/s None of a day is great without you =) *muackssss*
In my own world,
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Today is an extremely good day
But not mentioning the Bio papers la lol
I'll never forget the taste of the spaghetti I ate this afternoon
It was superb :P
Although it's not anything special,BUT it's the best I've ever ate
Nearly involve in an accident due to those wild animals crossing the road ==
Anyway I'll learn not the go too near to the car in front and slow down the speed
Time flies....time really flies...
I'm not waiting to sit my last paper for SPM - EST
It's not a study subject because I dont know what can I study for this subject
But still I wish to score in this subject =)
I feel that I was actually mentioning that SPM's going to start not too long ago
WHO KNOWS it's going to end SOON,VERY SOON *boOooooo*
My entertainments like shopping,movies,dramas,novels,magazines.... ARE COMING !
I feel so weird in a sudden that I dont have to actually study for any subject now
At this time I should be planning what time should I wake up in the midnight DUH
Went ISC with my sorlou =)
Spent some lovely time with him and had SOOOOO MUCHHHHH FUN xP
Never been sooo happy for quite some time *maaaak*
This is the life I WANTTTTTT wheeeeee
Met my additional math teacher,Mr Chong =)
He's a nice man and I'll miss his teaching I bet
Then chit chat with my sorlou laughed like mad with him wheeeeeee
Went homeeeeeee after that and I start....him <3
But never stop chatting because I just feel so happy that I can talk NON STOP xP
There's a joy inside my heart and I'm looking forward for tomorrow hees
Tomorrow is Thursday,nothing special about tomorrow BUT it's special for ME haha
Here I wish all form 5 students a HAPPY HOLIDAY & ALL THE BEST =)
Hope that all form 5 will feel relief after everything =)
Happy Macam ini ok,kami =P
In my own world,
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Good Morning world !
I actually dont know what to blog about but I cannot stand looking at the book
But 0% in my brain DUHHHHH or maybe just 10% la hhaha
Yesterday was rather a great day
Exam - ISC - Exam - ISC - Grandparent's house - Moven Peak
Varieties of food were ordered by me,Duncan,Gason,my mum & another uncle
Came home feeling that I've gained weight ==
And it's the FACT too due to some reasons
Then just chit chat chit chat
I can actually sleep longer this morning BUT there's phone calls continuously lol
So is prepared to go out for breakfast...
But I dont have the feel to put any food inside my mouth
I shall tape my mouth haha to avoid eating
So is here studying since 8 something
So far so good la but feeling a bit boring
But unfortunately I feel a bit miserable that SPM is going to end
I will not be able to study Chemistry,Add Math,Physic and Bio anymore
Although those are not my strong subjects
But no doubt saying during SPM,when I study for these subjects,I feel that...
Studying these few subjects are FUN and I find them INTERESTING...
But have interest doesn't mean have to be very good in it la as I'm not
What if I can study the subjects but not for exam,then I think I'll LOVE it
After SPM ends,no more studying for some time,only entertainments
Thinking what are the entertainments for me after SPM
Hopefully I'll really enjoy my entire holiday before college life starts
I just hope that I'll be happy every single day,we'll be happy every single day :)
I want to smile,I want to smile,I WANT TO SMIEEEEEEEEE
p/s time flies
In my own world,
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I'm having my Chemistry paper tomorrow *GHOSH*
I feel that it's soooo freaking confusing and complicated
Why did I ever take up this subject ?
But I kinda like it because I wanted to make my own perfume ==
I know it's kinda lame but then I wish I can mix the chemicals and then....
TA TA TA....have my OWN brand perfume HA HA HA
Obviously I'm dreaming,but dreams come true RIGHT haha
So today is a busy day
But today is an incomplete day to me because....
I hardly see smiles from somebody *maaak*
I did something funny which I dint expect myself to do that this morning
But however I've made the unexpected thing on the unexpected person's phone
Actually it's not unexpected because he's the main purpose BUT....
I bet someday someone will use it to hmmm "jeng" me
But still I'm happy with what I've done haha *hope that you're too*
I've been studying the whole day except the badminton hours
I still need to put more effort on it tonight but I need some rest FIRST
Therefore I'm going for dinner now =)
Yesterday night was COOL because I read....
Although the contents made me feel hmmm....
BUT still I can feel it =)
Yea yea I'm rushing now so gtg
That's all for today's blog
WISH ME LUCK FOR TOMORROW'S CHEMISTRY PPAPER XP
P/s How could you smiled so less blek
In my own world,